Lord. What hasn't changed? To spout off a couple of quick ones: My hair's longer, my waist is smaller, I live in Ohio, I use wrinkle cream, I wear red lipstick with confidence, I wear heels less, I spend money on good seats at concerts, I am a senior team member at work, I walk to work, I went skiing, did I mention that I LIVE IN OHIO?!?!?! I've lost friends, I've made new ones. I've lost boys, I got new ones. I lost my path and passion and I'm working on getting that back. And frankly as someone who is a creative, mindful, and slightly introverted type, change is something I work for at all times. Progress, not perfection.
And despite all my efforts to have my outer-confidence match an inner strength, the one thing in my world that has not, will not, cannot ever change creates the greatest barrier to this peace. (Trite saying you might find on a pillow forthcoming...) The only thing certain is uncertainty. And with uncertainty comes the dreaded What Ifs. What if this happens? Or what if it doesn't? Will my boss be mad? Will he break up with me? What if I stay? But then what if I go? What if I fail? What if...what if...what if...And really our fears and anxiety grow from the What Ifs, . I heard someone speak on my favorite podcast recently (and I'll work on finding the proper source) say something to the effect of...the key to happiness is not things, or the right people, or the right body, or the right job, or the right anything, rather it's our ability to handle the uncertainty that life brings every day. Listen again:
It is our ability to handle the uncertainty that life brings every day.
And in addition to this, creating my completely unsatisfying truth, on the Myers Briggs Scale on the J/P spectrum I test P for 'perceptions". This result associates my preference to take in information when interacting with the outer world. This does not make me more or less introverted and this trait can clearly be seen when making decisions. According to the site, "Sometimes I stay open to taking in information so long that I miss a chance to make a decision at all". I can what if a situation to death before it's even off the ground. And not that I am unable to make decisions (I mean I'm going to be the last to order at dinner...so get used to that), but when interacting with the outside world it's almost like I get so into the process and the journey that I forget the goal. I'm the opposite of people who forget to find joy in the journey - or whatever that pillow saying is. And truly, my P-ness (teehee) is also what makes me very good at my job. So I don't want to discredit this observational state, nor being 'spontaneous, a burst of energy (with a counter burst of nothing), and...loose and casual appearance'. It suits me and I am a successful adult.
But I'd be lying if I didn't say I wish it were different. Like I mentioned, the what ifs cause the anxieties in us...who wants that for themselves, especially if it's something we recognize! nd I've always been this way.Parents and teachers can all offer stories of me as a child panicking over choices and consequences. Stories, that Amy Poehler says, "creates the deep grooves in the vinyl of my life." It's my P-ness. It's totally Gage.
And hardest part of it all is that if I allow it, my P-ness can produce paralyzing anxiety FROM NOWHERE. The other day this actually where my mind took me...I'm not making this up:
...Planning a trip for a friend to come spend a week with me from Hawaii....
...we should go to Nashville for a couple nights...
...I wonder if anyone is playing at the Ryman...
...The Ryman is on my bucket list...
...Mother went to the Ryman recently.
...Closest I have ever been to the Ryman was eating a hotdog outside of it after my friend DirtyBear's wedding
...I would love to have a wedding in a space like she did.
...what if I never get married.
WAIT, WHAT?!?!?! Yup. Seriously a 20 seconds progression and I spent about 20 minutes on the idea that I may not ever get married and whether I was really REALLY okay with it. But this panic can only exists with that fear of what if. what if. what if. what if. So in recent years I have found that by looking the anxiety in the eye and saying, "yeah...what if...now get moving" I can get past it. Usually.
I just have to remember to do it and not stand in my own way.
And if your P-ness is getting in your way, you should remember to do it too. And certainly don't let those who are better at making decisions (J's on the Myers Briggs) get in your way or bring you down, either. Their ability to make such fast decision can cause envy and sometimes anger because they won't let you take your time and if you start to compare yourself to those who can make choices easily...oye. Comparisons and self-doubt and more what-ifs. . I recently went to the market with capital J and as I was circling the store for the second time assessing all the goods offered he said, "you're pace is maddening". Yeah well, my decision of what to make was all based on what the store had so that I didn't have to go to another. So it was all very precise and ultimately time saving but he got frustrated and walked outside to wait. I circled the store a third time. And made amazing guacamole. DON'T LET OTHERS J-NESS GET IN THE WAY OF YOU P-NESS!
And that's not to say that J's need not practice in keeping their What Ifs away. They aren't off the hook entirely and I am certain there comes anxiety with making and believing in precise and definitive choices. So let's practice facing the uncertainty together. Let's be patient and kind with each other as we try to figure out why today's uncertainty might take longer to move past. Let's help each other through candid moments as we fumble along this this uncertain ride.
Away we go,
Gage
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