The day it happened, my hetero-life-partner and I threw on heels and went to visit our friend who works at Jeff Ruby's. For those of you not familiar with Ruby's, think steak house too indulgent for my non-profit life. But few things make me happier than heels, champagne, and beef. Not necessarily in that order; though admittedly it may be my happiness trifecta.) Anyway, we get into the car feeling pretty and prepared to pet our egos when the first song on the radio was "Substitute Lover" by Estelle.
Google it, no actually get that whole album. but the lyrics read: "I know it woulda been nice. If I could have had your body, knowing that everybody ain't been with you. But you told me lies, you made me give my heart away, but now I know the games you play. So I'm through with you."
So it's a little dramatic for how our relationship ended (I already told you that I'm working on a story, relax, you're going to have to wait). But it wasn't far enough from the truth that it didn't make me cry. Nope, in fact, I sobbed. Again.
So as the night progressed I couldn't help but notice the music that I heard everywhere and how it all reminded me of my plight. I felt like Ethan Embry's character, Preston, when pining for Amanda (Aman-DUH!!!) keeps hearing Bary Manilow's "Mandy" on the radio. So I couldn't keep my mind off the music and I now present to you my
self-pitying-boys-are-jerks-i-will-never-love-or-be-loved-again-no-that's-not-true-I'm-a-catch-I-just-hang-out-in-the-wrong-crowd-or-is-it-that-I'm-just-too-good-for-him-play list.
It should be noted that while I didn't write down every song that I heard, every song listed was actually heard as presented by my cruel mistress, Irony. (I would also like to inform you that this list was written down under the influence of SEVERAL bottles of champagne and some of the songs don't really make sense why I found them to be so profound. Alas, I who selflessly deprecates for the honor of good writing present the list exactly as I found it in my purse the next morning).
*Estelle, "Substitute Lover"
*Shaggy, "Luv Me, Luv Me" (baaahahahaha)
Oo boy...what a silly era of music.
*Cranberries, "I Can't Be With You"
*Eve, "Let Me Blow Ya Mind"
*Roberta Flack, "Killing Me Softly"
"Flaming Lips, "Fight Test" (This would be one of the...huh, wonder what that means songs)
*James Taylor, "Carolina In My Mind", (This song has no affiliation to this disastrous love saga, but I LOOOOOVE this song and I imagine that my heart swelled when I heard it. It does without the champagne, so probably...)
*Counting Crows, "Hanging Around" (This was after the previous song and when I started thinking about moving to the beach. South Carolina, actually.)
*Kermit the Frog, "Rainbow Connection". This song was sung to me by my mother. Again, who knows exactly where the connection is, but I bet it went something like this..."will I ever be able to sing this song to children of my own?!?! I'm going to die alone"
*Indigo Girls, "Get Out the Map". This was the last song of the night. We sat in the driveway belting it for all the neighbors to hear (you're welcome). This song was the first song that I ever sang in public. Domain one summer with Anna, Erin, Rhodes on banjo, Mark on guitar, and the sweet Paula Larke as the maternal force behind us...and drums. I still remember how much I loved to perform and wished I could do it forever. I still dream of singing on stage again.
It was at this moment when I vowed to turn this nightmare of an experience (again, relative to like oil slicks the size of Tennessee) into a catalyst for positive energy and productive change. I then created a list of things I'll do this summer. I'll save that gem for another day, but let's just say that one of my 'to-do's' was to get my nose pierced...
So that's that. I've learned a lot from this opportunity to love and be loved. (Relax, I wasn't in love with him, but you know what I mean). And I'm excited to see where it will take me. I still cry sometimes at yet another failed attempt to be chosen while mourning the life that I will not lead. And sometimes tears will ambush me at street signs, the sight of canned salmon, or fucking gardenia trees. But I am AMAZED at this chance to learn about myself; the good, the bad, and the hopeful.
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