"It's nice to meet you."
"This dinner tastes delicious."
"I like your shirt"
"You have quite a talent."
Compliments. Simple ways to share awe or praise. Small phrases we give and receive with ease. Sometimes.
Some are given too readily. I used to work with this woman who would after every interaction say, "I am so thankful for your creativity and insight. Amazing work". It was nice at first, but after a while it seemed very fake. I mean, she did this after ANY interaction. "Hillie do you know of a restaurant we can shoot some B roll in?...I am so thankful for your input. Or even "Hillie what's your extension?...I'm so grateful for you!"
Some are given to mask incompatibility. This type of over-praise is often given from an acquaintance you interact with regularly but have nothing in common with. So all they do is compliment your clothes. "So good to see you again...I love this shirt! Where did you get it". This is also very present on blind dates.
Some aren't given enough. In HS I would come home with a 96 and my mother would say, "what happened to the other 4 points?" That wasn't sarcasm, she wanted to know. (note: that wasn't a cry for therapy or to defile my mother, it's just the way she is...if she doesn't hope for the absolute best for us, how will we learn that we were capable of the absolute best. Ultimately it worked, but man it pissed me off when I was 15).
Some are especially hard to give because it admits that there is something greater than you. "You were right" or even "Congratulations-you deserve it!."
These scenarios are also true when complimenting yourself.
I admit that I am extrinsically driven so praise and complements from people I respect can really make my day, week, year. Similarly, not getting that compliment from someone that I expect it from can really hurt. Especially when I know that they believe it to be true but can't say it because of pride, fear, or forgetfulness. This can also be true when complimenting myself...
I recently ran into an ex-boyfriend. We were catching up, complimenting each other on our shirts, when out of the blue he says, "I'm sorry I hurt you". I of course acted like I didn't know what he was talking about because he has (and always will be) stupid and not worth my time.
"Oh it's no big deal."
"Yeah, but still, I'm sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to"
" Thank you, but I just chalk up all that to being youngg" I mean what else do you say to someone that you truly truly cared for and they totally effed up the entire relationship despite you giving him way too many chances? "We had fun together but really we weren't on the same page."
Then he dropped the biggest compliment anyone can ever give or receive."I was so in love with you".
Words. words....where in the hell are my words...
"I was. I probably still am a little."
I floundered. "We were young. You obviously freaked out. It's no big deal."
Except is it. I knew he loved me. I loved him. And I fought and fought for years (seriously) for him to pay me the ultimate compliment. When finally I just grew tired of being the only one who believed it. I guess having to be the one who constantly gives compliments while waiting to receive compliments can be tiresome.
Having to be the one who constantly gives love while waiting to receive love can be tiresome.
We spent the night reminiscing (we have some epic tales together, including the Adam Dunn Skittles night) reminding us of the good we saw in one another. We of course left on positive, "maybe I'll see you tomorrow". Of course knowing it was a terrible idea. And we didn't.
And you know what's interesting? That we have been broken-up for quite some time now and in all the times I have recounted our story, I have never said that I loved him, until he said it to me. And there is a wonderful point of closure in all this-I had been waiting for that compliment to help me realize that, despite not believing it for myself, I am good at loving after all. And i look forward to using this newfound understanding and confidence.
I am AMAZED at the value of a sincere compliment, even one that comes a dollar short and day late.
With MUCH love...and compliments,
ghg~
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