Well, I reassessed my goals and as a result realized I needed some more short-term goals building up to the BAHG.
And, well...it reminded me of when I left for college and mom gave me some advice: you can only really do two things well. You can do three things pretty well, but you can really only do two things very well.
Okay. I hated it. Fact. These are my confessions.
I signed up to run my first full marathon. Since June (well, January really) I have been working and building up to this race. About two months ago I ran 18 miles. I was so proud of myself-that's very far for a girl who just started running. And in reaching that distance I realized that it would probably take forever and it wouldn't be pretty-but i KNEW that I could finish a marathon. And with that epiphany, my fear and motivation sneaked out the back door. It wasn't at that exact moment, but not long there after I decided to put this goal on the shelf for a while.
This morning I did not run a marathon. I did not even run two miles. Admittedly I was frightfully hungover and required a large dose of Advil and Indian food.
After that 18, I still kept up with the running. But paired with a new job I simply lost focus. I was (am) so intentionally focused for the 10 hours I am at work every day, that when I come home from work I don't want to feel like I HAVE to do any thing else. I was coming home, trying to run for two hours and would get upset with myself if I only ran 6 miles. ONLY. And on the weekends if I had a lot to do, I'd split up my 20 mile runs into two 10 mile jaunts. And would feel like I was not doing anything of worth. Twice in a weekend running 10 miles and I was putting myself down. AND back to Mom's life lesson of doing two things well, I was focused on work and running. I had to sacrifice a lot of face time with friends for this hobby. Running at 6a on a Saturday morning would take away my Friday night and most of my Saturday because I was so tired.
Then there were the times I felt that if I couldn't run the full distance I was "supposed to"...I wouldn't run at all.
Remember from previous posts that I ran my first mile since college two years ago. I now casually run 10 miles on a Saturday. And I was disappointed in myself. So I confess, I'm driven by complements, extrinsic praise, and was not longer finding pride in my runs. I was resenting it.
So I quit. I don't quit things often. (I've been known to let relationships last far longer than they ever deserve.) But I did this. And it's been a huge weight off my shoulders.
Now, I still do go for a run about three times a week. Usually about 3 miles with my dog in tow. We sprint, we sweat, we push out the toxins from a long challenging day, and get ready to head for another day of work to intentionally focus on my strengths and weaknesses in my new career.
And yoga. I have found yoga. What a treat hot yoga is. More on that during a different post, but I am finding a balance between my workouts, work, and now without missing birthdays.
So call me a loser, call me a quitter, I have never been happier. And someday I'll bring this challenge back off the shelf.
Probably after I've met my sugar daddy and I can focus on just two things...being rich and skinny:)
Thanks for your support during this experience. I do look forward to running a full someday and I wish my sister-in-law and brother the best of luck running. And to all marathon runners...having gotten so close I insist that you are some of the most AMAZING people I know. So thanks for letting me fumble along beside you for a while.
Also a super shout-out to my AMAZING brother and sister-in-law who didn't quit. You are awe inspiring. And to anyone embarking on a big life challenge ahead...remember winners never quit, but sometimes adults do.
xoxo,
Gage~
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